A Creative’s Spiritual Journey to True Self

One of the marvels of the world is the sight of a soul sitting in prison with the key in its hand! Rumi

I am a survivor of childhood domestic violence and childhood sexual trauma. Sadly, I was born into this violent drama that was in play way before entering this world.

Raised in an island nation society, nurtured and weaned on the toxic system known as colonialism, I eventually learned, through educational endeavors, that my familial microcosm was infected and affected by this negative and weighty phenomenon. As a result, the violence perpetrated by my father and forced upon my mother was the inevitable result of historical and societal factors way beyond my control. Over time, by applying the law of cause and effect, practiced by my Buddhist sect, I came to a deep understanding of why my life fell apart.

THE CATALYST

The day I realized I held the key to freedom from this prison: first designed by the life situation I was born into, and over time self-imposed by my taking on incorrect beliefs, was the day I learned I had the potential to contract multiple myeloma, a cancer of white plasma cells found in the bone marrow. This clarifying and mind-numbing news was the catalyst that enabled my re-entry to an authentic self, a self left to decay and grow mold in a time capsule steeped in and buried under years of repeated crises from childhood domestic violence and early sexual trauma.

On that day, in a brief moment, sitting in a cold office in a small New Hampshire town, I finally awakened to an indelible truth: I am the only one who can charter a course for my well-being and healing. At that moment, I gained re-entry and re-birthed into a new life from one that was once tossed and turned by poor choices and toxic beliefs handed down by my birth family and inherited from generations before my birth.

The following months after my visit, I awakened spiritually, fully arriving into clarity, awareness, presence, acceptance, and gratitude. At that moment in the doctor’s office, I acknowledged my frailty as a flawed individual and as a human being who could change my mindset for the better; In that brief moment, I broke free and vowed to live and thrive, not to merely survive.

This out-of-the-blue negative health diagnosis shook my life to the core, forcing re-entry from a psyche numbed and frozen in survival mode for decades. The spine-chilling news awakened me from the illusionary and delusional beliefs that cocooned a traumatized life in anomie. Fortunately, this unfortunate turn of events was the catalyst that allowed me to shatter inherited, age-old and calcified unhelpful beliefs that imprisoned and held me captive for far too long.

For the past six years, I lived in the reality that this disease housed in my five-foot-two frame could morph from potential to dark kinetic energy creating an untenable situation, depending on the negative or positive choices. Realizing the marvelous opportunity the Universe placed at my feet, I decided to apply the law of cause and effect principles in full force, navigating a positive course forward.

Standing amidst the detritus and debris of a life that was no longer salvageable, I pioneered a path by using art, authorship, and advocacy in my daily life as a parent, activist, and creative. This method allowed me to reflect on past mistakes while grounding myself in present realities. In this way, I have a clear view of my life, bridging gaps from past to present while building roads to the future.

THE RUPTURE AND THE CURE

Between the ages of five and seven, my eyes were forced wide open to the reality of my birth situation. My father and mother separated after another colossal fight, and he put us out, causing us to beg for shelter at a relative’s house. He tracked us down on the darkest of nights, calling my mother outside to beat her unmercifully.

Groggy with sleep, lying in a dim room smelling of melting candle wax from a candle and kerosene oil from a lamp, I heard the blows landing and her frightened screams piercing the night. I believe, on that night, in that shadowy and dim room, I became aware of the life force coursing through my tiny body for the first time.

Today, A 30-year plus practitioner of NICHIREN Daishonin’s Buddhism, I now understand from the teachings of the practice that I chose the course of my life as an entity before I was born, including my birth family. Everything flows from there outward and onward.

Over the years, through my study of Nichiren’s writings that I have applied to my life, I learned I chose my parents and their violent cyclical drama reinforced by the intergenerational legacy of abuse. Through reflection, consistent and contemplative self-analysis, and self-imposed isolation bolstered by intense, daily meditative chanting, I have finally arrived at a place of peace.

From a Buddhist perspective, I now understand that I am totally in charge of my life and destiny. This newfound knowledge allowed me to understand my power to change course for the better because I chose the path in the first place. Learning this is incredibly empowering and validating; learning this allowed me to reclaim my power and voice.

A LIFE REBORN

Understanding that I have the power to change my life by taking responsibility for every aspect of my life is a radical thought for some, but it made sense and is reasoned thinking to me. In doing so, I noticed positive momentum as I applied the teachings of Buddhism. Little did I know the events of that night, way back in my childhood, sowed a tiny seed. A marker was put in place to pioneer re-entry later and break the cycle of intergenerational abuse that held my birth family and me imprisoned generations before I was born.

Today, no longer connected to my birth home and family, I am finally creating home and family on my terms. Nowadays, I am working with my 21-year-old daughter to implement my long-held vision to support other marginalized BIPOC, LGBTQ+, femme/women survivors, young and old, whose lives and authentic selves have stifled and stagnated: lost to trauma and violence.

I found a path forward by applying art, authorship, advocacy, the law of cause and effect, and the principles of clarity, awareness, presence, acceptance, and gratitude. Through my creative work, while continuing to heal and recover, I hope to create a way for and with women like myself modeled on all I have learned on this spiritual journey to find my authentic self.

RE-ENTRY AND FINAL ANALYSIS

On that fateful day in the doctor’s office, marinating and roiling in the throes of anxiety and trauma, after learning of the ticking time bomb within, I finally stood up and decided to take a chance to live authentically; to go deeper. Visualizing myself standing in front of and unlocking the shadowy door to that darkened room back when I heard my mother’s agonized screams for help, I accepted my destiny.

By imaginatively stepping out of that darkened room of my childhood, I threw away the illusionary key and flowed like clear water into a brand new me. This latest evolution of a new me is the best and most updated version of myself. The decision was a sound one. I chose to re-enter my life in clarity, awareness, presence, acceptance, and gratitude on the worst day of my life in 2015. As I left the cancer clinic, I immediately began implementing plans for a better and balanced life.

Over the past six years and through the pandemic, I have seen significant improvements on every level. I decided to live my new life using my middle name, ‘Claire,’ which means bright — doing so solidified re-entry creating a clear boundary between all the negativity from my past life and a spanking new me.

In the final analysis, realizing everything we experience in this life happens on this physical earth plane. I now know thoughts requiring one to have wisdom, courage, compassion, and life force can only move one’s life forward in a positive direction if reinforced by concrete actions showing one’s determination to make positive change. Using ‘Claire’ allows me to free myself from the chains that bound me to the trauma and pain of my past; using ‘Claire’ enables me to start anew grounded in light self-love, grace, and hope.

Nunc coepi. Now I begin.

Website: Clarityisjustsohip.com